The Perils of Manscaping

I'm not particularly hairy downstairs but now that I'm approaching middle age my genital foliage is very course and unsightly, resembling a well worn Brillo pad. My wife on the other hand has a luxuriant thatch of long fine fur like that on a mink or similar small carnivore but with fewer teeth. It's also very dark. From a distance it looks like she's been hit between the legs with a bag of soot. So, for us, position one in the Karma Sutra is out of the question. Should I go in too far in my attempt to take Captain Pickard to warp speed; our pubes can lock together like the Velcro fastening on a Barbour jacket.

We are thus obliged to adopt the position favoured by my pet lurcher when he encounters herbivorous quadrupeds (he has orientation issues regarding species as well as gender - we live in Wales). Any attempt to copulate face-to-face can have us pogo dancing around the bedroom like conjoined twins in search of a pair of scissors to cut away the entwined spider's legs and spring onion roots. As you can imagine there is little variation in our sex life. I once tried rodeo sex; mounted her doggy style and yelled out the name of my ex and tried to say on board as long as I could. I longed for a bit of the old missionary.

My wife is very fond of her welcome mat and spends considerable time stroking and grooming it so any hair removal had to be undertaken by me. Shaving is out of the question as the stubble that returns after four or five days gives her a nasty rash on her chin. The smooth finish promised by Veet seemed to be the answer to our prayers.

Having read the warnings we decided that it would be best to have her assist in the application of the Veet gel. Being cautious she put on a rubber gloves and set about her task at arm's length using the handy spatula supplied. We then had to wait six minutes. That is a hell of long time when you're butt naked and your wife is kneeling in front of you wearing a broad smile and a pair of Marigolds. Needless to say we got distracted. She laid back, opened the hanger doors and I commenced docking procedure with the command module. After about six minutes, just like is says on the box, the old Brillo pad came away and attached itself to Osama's beard. Sadly, by this time our activity has spread the Veet to other areas and the effect was becoming corrosive. Fortuitously, my wife had already filled a washing up bowl with cold water as a precaution so I was able to jump off and lie over the bowl with my gentlemen's vegetables dangling in the cooling liquid whilst she ran screaming for the bathroom. I haven't seen her react like that since I dipped one of her dildos in chilli powder.

I know this is a courier site but I don't think that is the sort of delivery we need to be discussing. .... pissed myself laughing though

Ah but it was posted to serve merely as a warning Badger...having to remain seated in the driving position for long periods of time can, as I am sure you will agree...result in a degree of overheating and necessary adjustments to further ones comfort...having been directed to a very lengthy discourse on the subject of manscaping...of which the above is only a part...I I felt it was my duty to post it as a warning to fellow drivers...no matter how uncomfortable ones nether regions get whilst driving for long periods...the apparent results are just not worth it...my advice...unless you are a complete sadist "do not try this at home" or anywhere else. :)