Laugh for the day!

A woman passenger leaned forward and tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The taxi driver screams in fear, loses control almost crashes into a lorry, mounts the pavement and screeches to a halt punching and hitting the steering wheel.

For a few moments afterwards neither the driver nor the woman say anything.

Then the driver says, "listen lady, Don't do that again! You almost scared the life out of me!"

The woman apologises saying that she didn't think that tapping his shoulder would scare him that much.

The driver replies:

"It's just that it's my first day on the job!"

"What did you do before?" asks the woman.

"Well!" replies the driver, "For the last 25 years I've been a funeral chauffeur!"

A Jewish bloke goes into a confession box.

"Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen.

I’m seventy eight years old.

Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister.

We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place.

Why are you telling me?"

And the Jewish bloke replies

"I’m telling everybody!"

Worried about Tesco beef burgers? Why not try the meat balls, they're the dogs bollocks!

Had to go out on a job myself today. Decided to stop at a truck-stop for the proverbial B&E sarni. The guy in front of me ordered a portion of Lasagna. "Do you want anything on it"? asks the girl behind the counter, "aye lass" says the trucker "I'll have a fiver each way"

Me and a few other horses are hiding from the lasagne chefs. They won't Findus in here.

God i'm so starving, I could eat a horse, So Findus lasange it is then !!!

N & D stick to selling your pallets

Nowt wrong with horse meat but I do find it gives me the trots

*****BREAKING NEWS*****

Willie Carson found in Sausage Roll

With all the fuss being made about the Irish meat suppliers I guess that clears up the mystery of where Shergar went

Now there's a scare at B&Q. They think the flooring may have some lamb in it...

By request from AJM

So you can't say 'mad' anymore as it may offend some people, instead you have to say, 'mentally unstable."

I think that's just political correctness gone mentally unstable.

Apparently Facebook may allow kids under 13 to join.

The Chinese government has lodged a complaint saying that none of their workers will get anything done now.

The scandal that shook all Europe: some horse meat was found in frozen lasagna instead of beef. And now a new food scandal is about to be revealed: traces of pork have been found in fish for human consumption!

Not sea horse then?

I think i had better move my jokes to this page

...

Anyway.

I took a girl back to my house late last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."

"I can see that," she said, "Haven't you got your own f**king bed?"

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

Because I'm stressed, I've started sniffing glue.

It's the only thing holding me together.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I have my own speaking clock.

All i have to do is bang my dustbin lid on the wall a few times and i hear.

"Do you mind it's 3 o clock in the F**king morning"

I had a new skylight window installed this week.

I think it's great, but the neighbours upstairs are bloody raging with me!

Pay peanuts, Get monkey

MyVanCan.com said:

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Not sea horse then?