Today's Joke

I was driving behind a car today with a bumper stick which read...

"Jesus is my co pilot"

So it turns out Jesus is a short fat lady with no teeth!

and a driving licence

I dont know how to tell you this, but Jesus didn't exist!!

Ahem...excuse me Gary but i think you'll find he's alive and well and plays on the wing for seville!!!!

Whys a big fat woman with no teef ... playing on the wing in seville ...?

LOL Kevin..brilliant thread

I'd hate to work for the Royal mail at this time of year, I bet they get really really busy....

Delivering all of last years Christmas cards!

Was going hell for leather in bed with the miss's the other night, she was screaming dont stop dont stop, so i just stopped, she says what you doing ?

Told her i seen some guy doing the same thing on Utube, she say do what, I told her i was buffering.

LOL

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

021 SAMEDAY said:

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.

CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Hahahahahahaha good 1

An Election Warning

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but next morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, while the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Exeter City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. They not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

Some people tell lies about having famous friends. Well that's what my mate Jennifer Lopez told me yesterday.

Was lying in bed with Kylie Minogue last night having a ciggie after reducing her to a blubbering wreck and she stated while trying to regain her composure that Jennifer Lopez knows nothing...

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? Get in the batmobile Robin!

Funny jokes only please.

I beat my wife at Domiono's last night.

She needs to learn that i choose the toppings!